The Lost Kids

Greetings Everybody,
Wanna talk with you about The Lost Kids.


I am not talking about Miscarriages, or Abductions, or Runaways...
But I AM talking about the ones who have been so damaged by Adults that they may never fully recover.


Amazingly...The Lost Kids that I am referring to today are NOT categorically the ones who have survived Physical or Sexual abuse.  


The Lost Kids that I am referring to today are NOT categorically the ones who have a Parent who has an Addiction Problem.


The Lost Kids I am referring Today are ones with Broken Hearts and Trust Issues because Mommy and Daddy Got Divorced.


YES I have seen kids from divorced families who are Happy and Highly Functional.  
But they are Few.
And they are Far Between.


I know that raising a child in the presence of fighting and hatred isn't wonderful either


...and I know that parents are often torn between staying with a horrible person for the Sake of the kids
 OR 
divorcing a horrible person for the Sake of the kids.


All I can tell you is that, in my 20 plus years of observing students in my classroom,  the majority of the kids from divorced homes are Typically NOT Happy NOR are They Highly Functional.


Clearly there are Socio-Economic Status factors at play.


Clearly there are Support System factors at play.


But to quote one my students...
 "Parents don't realize that divorce messes kids up for a long time."




Now before anybody starts clammering and throwing rocks at me over this issue of how divorce impacts kids...let me clarify a little bit.
1.  I am not citing double-blind clinical studies here.
2.  I am not citing statistics.
3.  I am not a psychologist, psychiatrist, social worker, or counselor.
4. I am simply offering insights based on what I have observed over a couple of decades of working with kids.




Clearly I am NOT an expert 
on Divorce and its Impact on kids.


But I AM a High School Speech Teacher and as such, I listen to kids talk all the time. 


I hear what they are Afraid to tell their parents
BUT will openly share with their Peers in a Speech Class.


And they talk all the time about how Divorce is Awful.


Did I just hear somebody muttering  "Other than quoting one of your students, what evidence can you bring to the table to solidify your assertion that divorce messes kids up for a long time?" 


Well...glad you asked.


Please keep reading.  


There is a certain Visual Aid based Speech Project, called "My Life Chart" that my students build and present in class to their peers and to me.


It's a graph of the highs and lows of their lives.


We discuss positive and negative graphing, and then the students build the X/Y axis on which to graph SOME information about their lives. 


I ask them to limit their graphs to 10 items.


They get to choose what they talk about, and are told that they do NOT have to discuss anything that is Deeply Personal.


Yet they do.


They tell about pregnancies.
They tell about about abortions.
They tell about going to jail.


They talk about their 13th, 15th, 16th, and 18th birthdays.
They talk about Family Reunions.


They tell about Drug and Gang involvement.
They tell about personal pain: car wrecks, broken bones, surgeries


But the MOST LIKELY TOPIC TO BE DISCUSSED IS THEIR PARENTS' DIVORCE.


Just so you know...This particular assignment gets wonderful reviews from Students AND Administrators. 


The Kids get to talk without notes and speak based on the prompts on their visual aids. 
They tell me that they LIKE this assignment.


The Administrators LIKE it too because it is a cross-curricular assignment that promotes higher level thinking.

Disclaimer: I did NOT come up with this on my own.
It is research-based (Rief 1992) and I have provided one of the samples used in that research for you guys to take a look at before we go any further with this discussion.

Sample of Visual Aid for a speech presentation called "MY LIFE CHART" (as used Under Data Camera)

oRief, L. (1992). Seeking Diversity. Portsmouth, NH: Heinemann.

      

Let's continue with my Anecdotal Evidence asserting that "Divorce messes kids up for a long time.".


The Process for Building and Presenting this speech goes like this:


1.  Each student in the class generates his/her own Visual Aid (X/Y Graph) about their own life events. (10 items)


2.  During these presentations the lights in the classroom are dim so that the projection can be read on the screen.  


3.  The students speak openly and honestly and very freely about the good, the bad, the happy and the sad parts of their lives.


And time, after time, after time I hear the story of how Parents Divorced, and how Horrible it was to Endure, and how it Still hurts, and how they wish their Family was still a FAMILY.


Here's another observation that is most Salient for me...
Most of the time the divorce is the lowest point on their chart and it is then followed by a series of low events.


The charts that my students produce lead me to believe that for many of them, their parents divorce serves as the the LOWEST turning point in their lives and there is rarely a HIGH that counterbalances the depth of that LOW. 


In Essence and in Layman's Terms...it appears to change their Happiness Threshold for a long time.


I guess it's a further sign of our times, that it is now very rare for me to have more than 5 students in a class of 30 who have both biological parents who are married to each other.


Did I just hear somebody say "So What?"


Really?


Here's your "So What?"!


Parents neither Can Mitigate, nor should they even Try to Mitigate every Negative Experience in their kids lives.


Emotionally Healthy Individuals MUST develop the ability to cope with the Highs & Lows of life.


But here's what Parents SHOULD try to Mitigate: If at all possible they should not make life altering decisions that will serve as a SOURCE of Pain and Misery for their Children for Years to Come.


I Understand That Sometimes Divorce is Warranted.
I don't like it. 
But I understand it.


But Marriage Vows should never be treated like a pair of Disposable Gloves.


Quite Frankly, The next time you want to cheat on your spouse...the next time you want to cash in all of your marital chips...the next time you feel like taking your wedding ring off and hurling it into the abyss...I want you to visualize your sons and your daughters standing at the podium in the front of a classroom with tears in their eyes as they talk about how much YOU hurt them.


I want you to visualize those faces.
And I want you to contemplate the hearts that will be broken
...the hearts that will very likely have Trust Issues for a long long time because of YOUR actions.


I have seen so many of these Lost Kids that I too am a little heartsick.


And I wonder how they will ever learn to Trust again.


If you and your spouse have been tossing around 
"The D Word", please remember that far too often Divorce is a Wound that Festers in a Child's Heart for Years and Years and Years.


It's possible that YOU may be eager and able to "move on" quickly after a divorce.


But it is also possible that your Children may see that Divorce as Deepest Level of Negativity 
on the Life Chart of their Lives.


In Him,
Grace

Let's Talk About The Word DICHOTOMY

Greetings Everybody,


Let's talk about the word DICHOTOMY.


Basically, Dichotomy refers to the ability to hold two seemingly opposite thoughts simultaneaously.


For Example:
It is possible to value Liberty so much that you are willing to Lay Down Your Own Life (and thus the Liberty you value so much) so that OTHERS may have Liberty.


Yes, I believe that this would be a really good example of a dichotomous situation.


But Dichotomy doesn't always come in such lofty measure...LIBERTY isn't always the subject.


Sometimes dichotomy is exhibited in families during the holidays...in fact I would venture to say that many families experience it during the holidays.


Imagine, if you will, a children's playground...with one of those teeter-totter things.
(Now unless my memory is wrong, I believe that the Teeter-Totter is that big wooden plank with a seat for a child on either end. And the way it works is that when one side is up in the air, the other side is down near the ground. The fulcrum holds the balance as the kids take turns pushing their legs against the ground so that each side gets a turn to go up and down.   Remember those things?)


Isn't LIFE just a big ole Dichotomous Teeter-Totter?


Here we are, all aflutter with the Christmas Season upon us....but we know that this is a temporary high.


Joy is Balanced by Sadness.


In our case, there are several things currently pulling at us.
Causing us to go up and down.


My Sister in Law is due to have major surgery on December 22.
She has had ongoing health issues for years and years.
In addition, Hubby and I have in the past and will again, be helping her and her husband with food...for weeks at a time.


This is a complicated situation.
We love them.
But we can not sustain them financially.
In all fairness, they did not ask us to do this forever.
But as I mentioned in my post last night, Family Helps Family, and we want to help them.


But there are limits to our ability.
We both work, and can not be there for them every day.
In THIS case, we do not have ENOUGH.


It seems that so very many of the people we love really need help right now.
And the Joy of our ability to help is balanced by the knowledge that this is a  bigger need than we can cover.


We have ENOUGH to help SOME of those we love, 
But Not Enough to help ALL of those we love.


Another area of concern this season is my Mom & Dad..
Though I am reticent to discuss it fully in this format, my mother is mentally ill, with the addition of a host of daily medical issues....and my beloved Father tends to her every need.


He is her nurse.
This is no small undertaking.
They are both in their mid 70's and it is killing me to watch my parents live like this.


Though not a nurse by training, he actually does an amazing job of taking care of her.
But they are both old.
And the time is coming for me to have to step in and intervene.


In addition...this past week, the mental illness kicked in again, and my mother is now muttering that she wants a divorce.


If my dad divorced her (which he won't) it would be a death sentence for her. 
She can not tend to her own bodily function needs, 
does not have the physical dexterity to cook, 
can not drive, 
can not tend to her own finances....it's a ludicrous thought. 


But she is full of venom and is trying to hurt the one who loves her the most.


I keep prompting my dad to go ahead and get situated in Assisted Living.
But he says that he is not ready yet.
There is a financial advantage to staying in the status quo for 2 more years.
And I have seen the paperwork, he is right.
They will have more monthly funding if he can hold out two more years...but this is sooo hard on them both.


Dad has already put in the due diligence on the matter though.
They have picked out where they want to go.
They have agreed on the floor plan of the type of unit they want.
All things are in order for that one day when they CAN go.


But Dad is adamant, that it is not time yet.


I do NOT want to step in and challenge his authority over his own life.
I do NOT want to have to over-ride his will and just "kidnap" (and I use the term gently here and without malice) them both in order to drop them off at the old folks home.
What a horrible thought!


But I suspect that such a day is coming like a freight train.


Nevertheless...Balance In All Things!


We first Learn about Dichotomy on the Playground...and then we spend the rest of our lives in the process of going up and down.


We know that every time we go up, we must come down
And we trust that every time we are down, we will rise again.


Balance In All Things!


So Raise Your Coffee Cups with me,  and let's have a Toast to this Giant Teeter-Totter Called LIFE.


Up, Down, Up, Down, Up, Down....


The next time that I am holding that Grandson of mine (which Lord Willing, will be today) I will sail up high on that teeter totter again.


Balance In All Things!.


In Him,
Grace

Calling ALL Hero's

Greetings,
This morning let's talk about how Teaching is Mission Work!

Most of the time, when we think of Missionaries, we think of people who go into international settings, and render aid to folks in need, and talk to them about God and about Jesus Christ.  We think of them being around the poor, the sick, the indigent and the societally disenfranchised.


Well guess what!
It doesn't take a Solomon to figure out that The United States of America is filled with young people exactly like that.

They may not be riddled with smallpox, but often they are hurt and wounded.
They are often what Scriptures refer to as Poor In Spirit.
They are often somewhat LOST and societally disenfranchised...after all...doesn't that term personify the Teen-Aged Years.

So yeah...being a high school teacher is ACTIVE Mission Work.


We can't teach the kids until we help to heal them.


It's basic science.

When the Pre-Frontal Cortex of the Human Brain has yet to fully form (and this area of  the brain is still developing during adolescence )...Higher Thinking Ability is completely monitored by elements of the brain that focus on safety and security.


And as our American families flounder...our kids sink into survival mode.


They focus on food, shelter, and immediate gratification.

Not all of them...not all the time...but a chunk of them every day in every class are locked into survival mode and have been basically for their whole lives.


Now let's add on the pressure of State Mandated Testing to these kids.
The response is usually total and complete APATHY.


And who can blame them.

If I my parents are getting a divorce right now, and my world is falling apart...why in the world would I care about a stupid test.  It's not even a blip on the radar screen of things I care about.


But while Adults often are able to throw up the White Flag of "I'm Having Trouble Right Now, Everybody Just Back Off For A While Till I Regain My Mental Footing"...kids get no such rights.


Society just expects them to tuck all of their feelings and fears into some dark place in their souls, Deal With It, and go on about their lives... and the next state mandated test.

I am not asking that we stop all testing.
And I know that there is NEVER a time when the whole teen-aged world is trouble free and able to enter a GREEN LIGHT ZONE for all State Mandated Tests zone...but I know this...
                                   
humans need safety and security in order to mentally process at high levels.


And our kids are suffering.
And our test scores are looking really lousy these days.

And the Think Tanks just keep spinning out the need to test them more often...or blame the teachers for the test results.
And a vicious cycle of blame casting in educational circles develops...that has NOTHING to do with why Johnny Failed The Big Test.


Basically Johnny is Grieving and Mourning and he can't think straight right now...DUH!


The grown-ups in our country need to start making wiser choices about who they marry.
The grown-ups in our country need to start modeling marital fidelity, and loyalty, and trustworthiness and integrity and  courage.


Our kids are losing their HERO's.


Every kid ought to be able to find his or her FIRST and LARGEST HERO IMAGE within the context of their own home.


Parents are supposed to be our HERO's.


So for anybody who is reading this out there...Be a Hero to your kids.
Talk with them.
Tell them about how you make decisions.
Tell them how you weigh right and wrong.


Model Godly Virtues for Them.


Help them to Feel SAFE and SECURE by knowing that their MOM & DAD do what is right simply because IT IS RIGHT!


If America is to heal itself, it must heal it's families first.


Today I go back out into the Mission Field.
Today I will see your kids.
Today I will hear about the times you cheated on your wife.
Today I will hear about the times you abandoned your family.
Today I will hear about the times you got drunk and smoked pot.
Today I will hear about how your kids don't respect you because of your words and actions.


Today I will MOP UP after you...and I will try to give your kids what YOU should have been giving them...today I will try to be an honorable person and show THEM how to be honorable too.


Today I am CALLING ALL HERO's to come to the aid of our AMERICAN FAMILIES in order to HEAL THEM.


Mom's & Dad's, Grandparents, Uncle & Aunts, Brothers & Sisters,  and Cousins...STAND UP!


Be Hero's in Your Family:
                              Stand for What Is Right.
                              Put God Back in our Homes
                              Pray for Healing.
                              Pray for Wisdom.
                              Pray for Strong Families.


                              Let's Heal America...1 Family At A TIME!


In just a few hours I will be in the middle of The Mission Field again...and teachers all over this country just like me will be helping your kids today.
Please Pray For Us...Just as We Pray For You.


And for those of you who are already doing what is Right In The Eyes of God...BLESS YOU!


In HIM,
Grace